[Author’s note: most of these lies were shared by people on the YWW Community or Substack—see the original Substack note here. As I cannot credit every single person who has commented and attribute their thoughts to every piece in here, I will simply put the disclaimer that not all of these ‘hot takes’ or lies are solely by me. I will do my best to credit longer thoughts to their contributors, but I am not able to do so for every single one!]

For these two posts, I was surprised at how many lies people believed about dating—and we all believed the same ones.

That says something, doesn’t it?

Each of these twenty lies are either from me, my friends, or people who answered my question on Substack or the Young Writers Workshop Community. If you have ever been told or believed any of these lies—they’re not true. And we’re going to debunk them all together. So let’s go.

1. i am single because of my appearance.

You might have been told this by a friend, an enemy, or even someone who can often be both: yourself.

I chose this as the first lie to debunk because there is nothing more infuriating when it comes to dating than when people base your relationship status off of your appearance and looks. 

In the famous classic, Pride & Prejudice, Mr. Darcy makes this comment about Elizabeth Bennet: “She is tolerable; but not handsome enough to tempt me.” (I love Darcy, but in this scene he is certainly a walking red flag.)

Unfortunately, basing someone’s personality on their appearance in the first-interaction is a tale as old as time. It happened in Jane Austen’s time and in the times of the Bible. 

‘But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”
1 Samuel 16:7 NIV

We already know from Scripture that this is all a lie.

Taking a look at the Psalm 139 as an example of this: 

 ‘I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.’
Psalms 139:14-16 NIV

David knows that his value is placed in the Lord, not in what he has or hasn’t done. 

Or look at Luke 2 where it says that ‘Jesus grew in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and man’ (Luke 2:52 NIV).

There’s nothing in the Bible about Jesus being attractive or plain looking because that’s not the focus: His heart was. 

What good is your appearance when your life reflects who you truly are on the inside? Proverbs 27: 19 makes it clear this is something that should always be on our minds.

‘As water reflects the face, so one’s life reflects the heart.’
Proverbs 27:19 NIV

 2. i am single because God is punishing me.

This is commonly told and believed in Christian circles, and it’s disheartening. As Christians, we are called to support each other and hold one another accountable—and I want the way we address this topic to change.

“Season of singleness” is a bit of an overused term (and I’ve used it many times myself), but it’s not the phrase that is bad—rather, it’s the implications of it. We are implying “that the Christians in relationships have some sort of ‘spiritual enlightenment’ that single Christians don’t have, or are not privileged to have” (quote attributed to Bri).

God does not punish us with singleness (although it certainly might feel like He is). Sometimes, a relationship would be more of a punishment than singleness would be. 

When the Lord promised Abraham that he would be blessed with his own son and heir, it took likely over twenty years for this promise to be kept—but it was still kept.

‘Then the word of the Lord came to him: “[…] a son who is your own flesh and blood will be your heir.” He took him outside and said, “Look up at the sky and count the stars—if indeed you can count them.” Then he said to him, “So shall your offspring be.”
Genesis 15:4-5 NIV

‘Now the Lord was gracious to Sarah as he had said, and the Lord did for Sarah what he had promised.’
Genesis 21:1 NIV

Marriage isn’t promised to everyone (for example, Paul, as he says in 1 Corinthians 7:8), but that does not mean that singleness is a punishment. Rather, it is an opportunity to live out your life to glorify and serve the Lord with a full heart.

Have you ever considered, “If I was a better Christian, then God would bless me with a relationship.”

This is not true—people get into relationships without trusting in the Lord or waiting on His timing all the time. But it’s less about getting in a relationship quickly and more about eventually getting in a relationship that is not full of anger, strife, or distress, a relationship that the Lord is truly blessing us with.

If your relationship with God is only about earning a blessing (ie. I need to read my Bible every day and then God will get me a boyfriend/girlfriend) then you’re missing the mark. It’s not about what He can give us in return for our ‘good deeds.’ It’s truly about glorifying Him in every way we can. Like I just said: you can find a relationship without waiting on the Lord’s timing, but that doesn’t mean that it will be blessed.

3. i can save him/her.

Oh my—what a world we live in, that we think and assume we can save someone else. (Isaiah 43:11, Ephesians 2:8-9)

Only God does the saving. We can be a seed or plant a seed, but we are not going to be the one who grows the seed. We’re not the gardener, the Lord is. 

He will use us to help spread the Gospel, but none of that is dependent on us.

Going into a relationship with the mindset of “I can save them” is not a healthy one, friend. It reshapes our brain to say, “I’m here to fix them,” rather than “I’m here to let the Lord use me in their life (and vice versa).”

If you feel the need to save this person before going into a relationship with them, are you sure that’s a relationship you want to be in? Yes, they might be nice and funny and cute—–-but are they generous, patient, intentional, and God-seeking and honoring? Those are the real questions to ask.

Missionary dating is an unfortunate frequent occurrence in today’s culture: we’re so desperate for this one person but we feel the need to change them so they can date us.

What happened to sharing the love of God and the gospel because we all need it? Not purely so that we can eventually call someone our boyfriend or girlfriend, but so that we can joyfully say that our friend or peer or coworker has found Christ.

There are opportunities to share the Gospel with people all around you, every day, so don’t let your romantic desires be the main reason to evangelize, let the joy of the Lord be the reason you share the Gospel with everyone. 

‘May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
Romans 15:13 NIV

4. i need to date the first person who likes me—there might not be another chance.

“They said they love me, I need to love them back or else I might be single forever.”

Constantly I’m left wondering: should I have pulled a Jo and forced myself to fall in love with Laurie? And then later, I find myself thinking: I just missed out on the one opportunity to have a guy who would love me, who I could love, and who is exactly what I need. 

But these are lies that we too often believe—friend, your first ‘option’ for romance might not be your best one. And sometimes, it hurts to realize that you don’t know when the next opportunity will be. But we can trust that whatever God has in store for us, it is good.

Don’t settle just because it seems like you’re running out of time—you have your whole life ahead of you. And in this time, we are blessed with the chance to grow closer to the Lord.

5. i’ve never been on a date—i must be un-dateable.

This is like saying, “I’ve never been on a rollercoaster; I must not be fun.” Some people have never had the chance to go on a rollercoaster, are scared of rollercoasters, are scared of what other people have said about rollercoasters, or just don’t have much interest in rollercoasters.

Whatever the world says about ‘being dateable,’ I’m just here to tell you: the world is wrong. We cannot let the constantly-shifting culture define who is worthy of dating and who is not—in the world, standards are constantly changing, but God’s standards are set in stone in His word. There’s nothing even in the Bible about dating (because it wasn’t a cultural norm in those days). However, the Lord has standards for spouses and the person we should choose to run the race with.

‘In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body.’
Ephesians 5:28-30 NIV

We can use what the Bible says to give us better judgement and discernment about who we are growing closer to—does this relationship glorify God? Is our end goal one that is worth getting closer toward? Is this bringing me closer to or further from the Lord?

The Bible does not address high school relationships (again, that was not the cultural norm) but it does talk about relationships with foolish people and wise people—the two demographics describing the people we will interact with. 

‘An unfriendly person pursues selfish ends and against all sound judgment starts quarrels. Fools find no pleasure in understanding but delight in airing their own opinions. The words of the mouth are deep waters, but the fountain of wisdom is a rushing stream. The words of a gossip are like choice morsels; they go down to the inmost parts.‘
Proverbs 18:1-2,4,8 NIV

In the Bible, across passages in Proverbs (like the one mentioned above), many of Jesus’ teachings, and numerous of Paul’s letters (as we’ve seen in this post already), there is much wisdom and guidance on relationships and what it looks like to be yoked with believers and unbelievers.

‘Then Jesus told them this parable: “Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Doesn’t he leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it?  And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders  and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.’  I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent.“
Luke 15:3-7 NIV

Friend, your worth is not found in your ‘dateableness’ but rather in the Lord who is pursuing, time after time.

6. if I trust God’s timing, I’ll be single forever.

When we start to believe that God’s timing is a punishment, we start living like we are running from Him.

It’s hard to trust God’s timing because it’s never in our timing. And it’s always for the better—but in the moment, it’s hard to see that, right?

As I’ve grown older and more mature, I have noticed that (surprise) the Lord’s timing always has been and always will be a bigger blessing than the things I wanted to make happen in my timing.

Whether it’s a relationship, an experience, or a memory, if we force it, there’s a lot of mistakes that could happen, things that would make that goodness turn sour—unless we wait for His timing. It’s hard, it’s painful, and it’s a journey of trust.

But that’s the whole point. It’s what grows us and cultivates our faith.

Peter writes in his letter to the early Christian churches:

“The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you…’’
2 Peter 3:9 NIV

The context of this verse is about the salvation of humans—it goes on to say that the Lord does not want anyone to perish, rather for them to have eternal life. But the first part of this verse is applicable to every aspect of God and a testament to His character and faithfulness.

This is yet another reminder that the Lord’s timing, while often unclear and seemingly untimely, is the best for our growth and His plan and blessings.

7. i can’t attract ‘good people’ so something must be wrong with me.

I can’t remember who sent this one in, but wow, it made me sad for all the girls (and guys) who have believed this. 

From what I’ve seen, opposites attract—so go for it. (I’m kidding—remember what I said about not settling?)

In all seriousness, friend, the kind of people you attract are not your fault (for the most part). In literal terms, you are often most comfortable and let your guard down with people who you’re not interested in romantically—so your true personality comes out. And the person around you says, “Well, I like this person because they’re comfortable with me,” when really you’re only comfortable because you’re not focused on impressing them.

It’s always important to look at our behavior in general because that is what will draw people to us—whether it’s good or bad behavior. 

“We cannot control who is attracted to us, but we can influence them. Even ‘bad people’ can be attracted to good things.” (quote attributed to Analea P.)

Maybe the jokes you make aren’t so wholesome—or the content you watch is more influential than you thought (and not in the way you would hope). There’s always something we can look at and contemplate: “Does this point back to God?”

8. every person i’m attracted to is better off without me.

Who told you this? What made you believe it?

I want you to look at every relationship, friendship, family connection, and ask yourself: how have I positively impacted this person? Why are romantic relationships any different? You can bless them and impact them in so many beautiful ways too.

Not only that, but if you look at the relationships where others have blessed you, then why on earth can you not be the same thing for them?

In 1 Samuel, we read the story of David and Jonathan, two close friends who trust in the Lord’s plan for their relationship. But when David is being hunted down by Jonathan’s father, he says something along the lines of, “Don’t burden yourself with our relationship, go and be friends with someone else rather than go against your father.”

And Jonathan makes it clear that,“Whatever you want me to do, I’ll do for you.” (1 Samuel 20:4 NIV)

Despite David’s situation, Jonathan communicated that David was not a burden—this goes the same for us, we are still given the chance to be blessings to the people around us.

9. God doesn’t care about my desire for a relationship.

If God didn’t care, why would He have made the first relationship one of marriage and commitment? (Genesis 2:20-25)

We can see throughout the Bible that the Lord wants to bless us with relationships that glorify Him—and you are no exception for that. 

I cannot promise that you will get married—the relationships in question might be friendships, rather than marriage—but I can promise that God is for you and for your relationships. He just sees the bigger picture, which, in time, will be revealed as a beautiful painting.

10. i am too emotional/not emotional enough.

When it comes to “Why am I like this?”, God is quite mysterious. In time, again, I believe answers to these questions will be revealed. Like I said in lie #8, you are quite literally a blessing to many, many people—the way your emotions work (whether you are ‘too emotional’ or ‘not emotional enough’) is according to the same concept. 

We often say, “Opposites attract!” We’ve read the tropes of Grumpy x Sunshine, and in my own life, I’ve noticed that a number of my closest friends (while we are very alike) are very different from me in many ways.

If you consider yourself too emotional, there are healthy ways to navigate those emotions. If you think you’re not emotional enough, again: there are healthy ways to contemplate the emotions you might be feeling.

Neither disqualify your dateable-ness.

in closing:

Friend, if you have ever believed these lies, I urge you to search Scripture and find the truth: our identity is not found in dating; your identity is found in the Lord. He is taking us on a journey where we discover that true identity and worth is found in Him, and we can choose to live out that truth in our everyday lives.

Thanks for reading, and be on the lookout for Part 2 of 10 Lies I Believed About Dating on Thursday, where we’ll dive into high standards, dating stress, and feeling unqualified. 
~Willow