[Author’s note: most of these lies were shared by people on the YWW Community or Substack—see the original Substack note here. As I cannot credit every single person who has commented and attribute their thoughts to every piece in here, I will simply put the disclaimer that not all of these ‘hot takes’ or lies are solely by me. I will do my best to credit longer thoughts to their contributor, but I am not able to do so for every single one!]

Happy Thursday, friends! Today we’re finishing the two-part series debunking a total of 20 lies we’ve believed about dating. I hope that you guys find these posts encouraging and helpful, not only for dating and singleness but also for your friendships.

Let’s dive into our next 10 myths.

1. if i have a crush, we can’t just be friends—it’s either dating or nothing.

In Christian cultures, there’s a lot of pressure to “date to marry” which obviously is the goal! But it puts more pressure than there should be on teens and young adults—if you like someone, you need to date! You need to be ready for marriage. Unlike what this lie implies, there’s not a one-size fits all for every situation.

There are many good, beautiful reasons for being in a relationship, but pressure is not one of them. Pressure from your culture, from your peers, from family. (Are you sure you’re not done being asked, “Do you have a boyfriend yet?” twenty times at Thanksgiving dinner?). 

The pressure can be overwhelming—but it shouldn’t be your primary reason for getting into a relationship. That would harm both you and the other person when you enter a relationship for the wrong reason. Like I said in the last post, the Bible gives us better judgement and discernment about our relationships—am I being tempted to enter this relationship for the wrong reason? Does this relationship glorify God? Is our end goal one that is worth getting closer towards? Is this bringing me closer or further from the Lord?

Paul writes this about how we should treat others:

‘Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.’
Ephesians 4:2 NIV

Be patient—bear with one another in love. Sometimes love means waiting, not rushing into something that might not truly be good. 

2. being single makes me unqualified and unknowledgeable.

While watching my friends and peers in their relationships, there’s a lot of jealousy and “They know more about relationships than I do,” running through my mind. It’s always a joy to support them in their dating lives (to a reasonable extent, I’m always willing to say, “That’s a red flag,” if need be) but at times, I don’t want to hear the lectures about dating as if I’m incompetent or know nothing about it.

While us Single Pringles™ might be un-committed (as the title ‘single’ implies) that does not make us unqualified when it comes to relationships, friend, so don’t let the world’s dating-focused culture tell you that you are.

Looking at the Bible and the truths it holds, we can know that committed or not, ‘in [our] relationships with one another, [we must] have the same mindset as Christ Jesus‘ (Philippians 2:5 NIV). 

Friend, your singleness is not a curse or a label that screams, “Unqualified.” The experience you receive in your friendships, family dynamics, and interactions with strangers, are just as valuable as lessons you might learn in dating. If anything, you will learn more from these platonic interactions because they are more present in your life and will teach you things about glorifying God in every relationship, not just the romantic ones.

The verse above from Philippians insists on the importance of having the same mindset of Christ in our everyday experiences with people. 

What does that look like? 

Using words with love and kindness (Matthew 5:44-45), bearing the fruit of the spirit (Galatians 5:22-23), and sacrificing your needs for others’ (Philippians 2:3-4).

3. our relationship needs to look like the movies.

All of my friends who have significant others, my parents, my mentors and their husbands, all have relationships that are 100% movie-worthy. I’ll hear stories about their first dates or their surprises for one another or how they met and just giggle like a little girl at the thought of that being real.

But it is real.

However, your relationship does not need to look like a movie. It does not need to be Instagram-worthy. It does not need to be filtered. And it certainly should not need to be over-edited and over-glamorized to the point where you are pretty much acting in a movie. 

Our world is full of mistakes and hurt and pain, and those experience are where we are challenged and grow, especially in relationships. And that is where there is beauty. 

There’s beauty in the “I’m sorry’s” and the intentionality of the desire to heal and be humbled. 

There’s beauty in the ability to simply be there for someone when they are hurting. There’s beauty in the longing for a hug just because you love them.

There is beauty because Christ gives us the chance to bless our relationships by continuing to outdo one another in honor and love. 

‘Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor.’
Romans 12:10 ESV

There is beauty even in the imperfectness and flaws of a real relationship. This is what we need in relationships, this realness. Not picture perfect, movie worthy, love. That kind of love is second to the greatest one—the real kind displayed by Christ.

But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed.
Isaiah 53:5 NIV

4. i am only one facet of myself—no one will love me for all of who i am.

One girl commented this on my post in the Young Writers Workshop Community and it touched me.

She said, “[One lie I’ve believed is] that I have to diminish to only one facet of myself (an elegant intellectual or a rebellious wild child). I can’t keep that up forever. I don’t want to. I am both, and I have to be both.” (quote attributed L.E.)

There are times when I feel the pressure to be more girly because “Guys only like pretty and sweet girls,” or the opposite: “Guys only like girls who are athletic and sarcastic.”

Dating is not a one-size-fits-all manual. (And I’ll touch on that more later in this post.) 

When dating, we want someone to see the person we truly are, otherwise we are leading them on and showing them a version of ourselves that isn’t really true. Later on down the road, if you are in a serious relationship with someone and finally reveal your true personality, it might not be what they expected or wanted. This could lead to hurt feelings on both ends.

Friend, if we are forcing ourselves to be someone we’re not for the hopes of a relationship—romantic or otherwise—then we need to take a look at our desires and heart posture. 

The Lord made our personalities so that we can use them to bring Him glory in all that we do. If we’re rewiring our brains so that our personality attracts the person we want to date, then we’re doing it wrong. We need to make Him the center of it all, not our emotions and desire for a movie-worthy relationship.

‘Never again will they hunger; never again will they thirst. The sun will not beat down on them,’ nor any scorching heat. For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepherd; ‘he will lead them to springs of living water.’ And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.’
Revelation 7:16-17 NIV

When we keep the Lord at the center of it all, our hearts become less focused on what we feel  we need to be in the eyes of the world, and more on who God made us to be. It’s when we truly surrender our identity that we see He is where our identity was all along.

Adding onto this lie, another one that was frequent in the comments was this: being myself is the reason I’m single.

Hearing this myth along with the world screaming, “Be yourself!” makes it feel impossible to know what to do with yourself.

Like we said in Tuesday’s post, we cannot let the constantly-shifting culture define who is worthy of dating and who is not—and the same goes for whether or not being yourself is the reason you’re single: we can’t let the changing world define it.

If you think, “I’m just too imperfect,” one thing we forget is that there will always be something about us that needs fixing. It’s part of our humanity—but there’s always a chance to take our faults and work on bettering them while using the strengths and the blessings we currently have to continue furthering the kingdom of God. 

5. if we don’t work out, the relationship was meaningless.

I’ve addressed this in my post Failure Does Not Mean Forever and this is such an important lesson that a lot of people today forget or fail to realize.

This generation is so focused on ‘relationshipmaxxing’ and making sure that every relationship is solely about fun flings, but never about gaining wisdom or understanding of any kind, even from a relationship that flopped. We are hyperfocused on every relationship having some purpose—when it ends, we see failure as a waste rather than a way to grow.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
Romans 8:28 NIV

Although we can use and should discern whether a relationship might be healthy to enter into or not, we also have no power over what the future holds for us. And in this, we can simply hold to the truth that the Lord works good things for those who love Him and we can continue to live out our lives to glorify God.

It’s easy to question the worth of the relationship if it ends—but we forget that there are things to learn in every experience we have, and that applies to our dating as well.

However, this should not discourage intentional dating—we don’t want to throw away our time ‘just because’, but rather pursue intentionality. 

6. i have too many standards or my standards are too high.

If having high standards means that you find yourself in a marriage full of joy, blessings, and peace, then I would say it’s worth it. 

We’ve all witnessed relationships around us that don’t work out, and often it’s because someone settles for something that is not full of goodness. But quite frankly, it’s not healthy for you to settle.

If high standards mean you need to learn patience, maybe high standards are a good thing. 

If high standards mean you don’t find yourself getting hurt or manipulated or hurting the other person, then maybe high standards are a blessing.

While the world is constantly telling us, “Just settle for the next guy/girl that comes along, it’ll be fine,” we are told by Scripture to be intentional with the people we are yoked to. 

Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?
2 Corinthians 6:14 NIV

We’re not just dating to date, but with intentionality—are you looking for a permanent boyfriend or a future husband?

7. when i stop caring is when ‘the one’ will appear.

We will never stop coming up with new ways to find our future spouse, will we? First we have to date every option willy-nilly, then we have to date people we don’t even get along with or who aren’t compatible with us, and now we have to stop caring?

Life doesn’t happen this way, although things often occur when you least expect it, I suppose.

This mindset simply encourages laziness and unintentionality when it comes to our relationships. It doesn’t mean we have to actively look for our future spouse, and there’s nothing wrong with needing a break from dating. However, we shouldn’t be throwing our hands in the air and saying, “I DON’T CARE,” and then looking around for our future partner. It simply doesn’t work that way, and is a bit contradictory.

God will bring us to whoever we are meant to be with at the time we are supposed to meet them—it’s not something we can change by pretending to not care.

Our culture has become obsessed with the idea of being nonchalant—but let me tell you, it’s not cool to be nonchalant. It’s cool to have feelings! 

The Lord made people for people—if you have the desire for a spouse, don’t crush that desire; God made Adam and Eve for each other. For some people, yes, they do not have that desire and for others, marriage isn’t in their future. But across all sides, a flippant attitude cast in the direction of relationships isn’t what is healthy. 

The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”
Genesis 2:18 NIV

8. ‘mixed signals’ and stress are normal in every relationship.

There are two sides to every romcom: the perfect drama-free relationship and the stress-inducing, heart attacking-provoking relationship.

And quite frankly, neither of these are accurate. There will, of course, be times in your relationship that you will have some tension—but it shouldn’t be constantly nerve-wracking. For my peacekeeping individuals: relationships are nerve-wracking. But there gets to a point where it becomes toxic and is not a healthy state of mind for you to be in. 

While the relationships should not be expected to look just like your Pinterest board or the movies, it should not be constantly stress-inducing. That’s not what relationships are like. 

I look at my parents’ relationship—whenever there’s stress in the house, it’s not because of them, it’s because we’re doing something stressful like moving across the country or adopting a baby with special needs.

Along with that, mixed signals have become so normalized that we expect mixed signals to be good or to be a sign that the relationship is thriving. That’s a lie.

Mixed signals are miscommunication—and as my friend Apple says, “Communication is hot.”  Not miscommunication!

Prioritize communication in your relationships. 

My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.
James 1:19-20 NIV

If a relationship is built on a foundation of skirting around hard conversations, lies, and mixed signals, it’s not going to be a healthy one. This is why we prioritize high standards and dating people (and also being that person) who know how to be honest.

Honesty is key, people. While healthy conflict is a part of relationships, like I said above, it can get to an unhealthy point where it’s more toxicity than normality. Don’t let your foundation be made of this—if the foundation is strong, it will be able to withstand normal, healthy conflict.

9. i need to fix my life before God sends me a partner—I can earn my future spouse.

While thinking about how to best combat this lie, I turned to my friends and asked, “How do I combat this? I know this is a lie but I’m stuck.”

We came to the conclusion that there’s a difference between earning your partner and making sure that you’re ready to be there for someone.

Obviously, we want to be in the best place we can be because not only are our future spouses going to support us, but we need to support them. And it’s hard to do that when you’re just…a hot mess. 

Scripture makes it clear that grace is not of our own accord (Ephesians 2:8-9) and that it’s not something we earn. The same goes for the blessings that the Lord gives to us. They’re not something we can necessarily deserve or work up to based on how good we were that year. 

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.
James 1:17 NIV

This verse, while specifically addressing our salvation, is applicable to every aspect of life; every good and perfect gift is from the Lord, and that means that it will arrive in the time that is good and perfect for His plan.

10. dating is one-size-fits-all.

This lie was saved for last because hopefully by now, after reading 19 lies about dating, you have learned: dating is not a one-size-fits-all. 

Everyone’s personality, past experiences, family and friends, religion, and upbringing shapes who they are—and so to say that one person’s manual for dating is perfect for everyone is not true.

We all have different needs in relationships, and so it’s safe to assume that there will be dating advice that’s applicable to me that might not be applicable to you.

However, like I said in part one, we can gain wisdom from Scripture so that we can walk into fruitful relationships and pursue all our relationships with hearts that align with God’s purpose. 

in closing:

There are so many lies we have likely all believed at some point, and I encourage you to think about what lies you might have believed (that were either shared here or not) and read through the Bible asking: how does the Word of God contradict those lies? And how can we continue to live out these truths instead?

Thanks for reading, and I hope this was an encouragement to you!
~Willow