on june 24th of 2025 i said goodbye to the place that shaped me, my faith, and my story the most.

many poems, prayer, and cries were born because of that day, whether it was a year before or a year after, or the day of.

there’s the bittersweet of the Longing and the sharp crack feeling of Remorse—both of which come from wishing i had What Used To Be.

there’s not a feeling of regret. this is just as much a part of my story as the two years in washington were. but this feeling is one that currently holds captive every part of my life.

hopefully i’ll feel differently in a few months. 

the whispers of “i thought i had more time” flood my mind, whether it’s from crying in the shower while the dreary weather haunted january of washington or crying in the shower in the humid june of north carolina.

either way, the familiarity both pains and encourages me: one-year-younger version is not alone in her journey, unfortunately.

it’s not what i miss that causes tears, but what i am no longer a part of there and learning to be a part of here.

where is my familiar place to call home?

when i think about where i want to be and where i am, but also where i am healing and where i know would hurt me, i consistently see the same vivid image. 

a girl, standing on a clear strip of road.

on the left side is a group of girls, all unique in some way but only the tops of their heads are visible, and it’s blurry. 

on her right side is another group of girls, all quite similar, once again blurry and unclear.

but the girl alone in the middle is quite clear. i would know—we are on the same journey. 

she is still learning how to say goodbye although she is quite experienced in that area. she’s also learning to say hello, once again, quite the expert.

experience does not equal ease, however.

and she is well aware that her journey is going to be free of ease.

thank God, in a way. what kind of person would she be if she lived her life with ease?

yet still, she screams at Him when she’s home alone in the humidity of the southern june and demands good reasoning behind this plan. 

I AM God, the reasoning comes. and with that, the peace of What Will Be comes too.

june 24th is now a reminder that what happens is somehow a part of the plan. and even more so, a reminder that if i had my way, it would all be different.

but it would not all be good.

the girl on the road is still learning and she will always be learning. she is okay with not knowing, even if she would quite like to know. 

why it couldn’t be, is the question. she wants to know: how many things will there be that Will Not Be? and can i fully learn to trust that they will all be good?

learning means that she has to say goodbye to knowing and hello to unfamiliarity. but not all of it is unfamiliar because she has a Dear Friend who is teaching her. 

someday, june 24th might not have the same significance that it does today. but it will always represent What Used To Be, and all the goodness it brought. 

there is nothing wrong with a tearful goodbye.

and thank God for that.