Are you someone who wants to find your future spouse as soon as possible? Heck, I know I am.

But I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again: right now I am not the person I want to be for my future husband.

A lot of people have a strategy to finding their ‘soulmate:’ get with as many girls or guys as quickly you can and surely you’ll find the right one soon enough. It checks, it’s logical.

But this strategy doesn’t work—if anything, it makes things worse. Why?

You’re creating a bad representation of yourself. You might be the kindest, most earnest, generous person ever—but when you bounce from relationship to relationship, it says, “I don’t put effort or care into us.”

You’re causing hurt for you, the person you’re with, and maybe even the person you will someday be with. It hurts you because you’re just prolonging and damaging the sincerity of a relationship. It hurts the person (or people) you’re with because they don’t get anything beneficial if it’s just a fling. And for your future spouse, it might cause a level of distrust. (Of course, that last one is more circumstantial.)

And finally, it prolongs the goodness and gratitude you can receive in your season of singleness or intentionality. Obviously, what is in God’s plan is in God’s plan, but why waste your time with lazy dating when you could intentionally work on a better version of you, preparing yourself for marriage, and improving your relationship with the Lord?

People say, “The only blessing from singleness I got is that I had freedom.”

Sure, you could say that but if that’s what you believe about singleness, you’re missing out.

But we’ve talked about singleness here before—so go read the posts specifically about that: Don’t Waste Your Singleness, Life Beyond ‘The One’, Learning To Never Settle.

The title of this post is, “Are You Looking for A Boyfriend Or A Husband?” and hopefully that doesn’t scare away all the male readers of my blog. But there’s a lot of wisdom in knowing that looking for a boyfriend/girlfriend is very different (and a lot more dangerous) than looking for a husband/wife.

Now, to have a spouse first you must date. However, there’s a difference when looking for a boyfriend vs a husband (or girlfriend vs wife) and here are those differences:

• You’re looking for entertainment, not commitment
• You’re looking for someone who doesn’t have long-term goals (which implies you most likely don’t have any long-term goals either)
• You are looking for a fun person (not that there’s anything wrong with having fun) but not someone who is real
• You’re not looking for accountability but rather simplicity: rather than holding each other accountable in the relationship or in other aspects of life, you both just have a fling

Now, there are a lot of dangers that come with looking for these ‘roles’ for someone to play. And before I go into those, I want to expand on that last sentence: looking for someone to play a role.

When you are looking for someone to fit the roles and jobs you have, the relationship won’t even be a relationship: it will be an agreement, an employment—something that is simply manipulative and often disguised under the term “relationship.”

I don’t want to be the one fulfilling the tasks or the one being fulfilled—rather, I want a two-part relationship in which the both of us help each other grow, learn, love, and laugh.

Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.
Romans 12:10 NIV

If you are living a life that’s focused on fulfilling your needs and finding someone to just mess around with, you’re not loving them or honoring them—you’re honoring yourself.

There’s something so special about marriage and romantic relationships—and any relationship, really—when you are living for someone else and putting their needs and desires over yours in a way that is respectful and healthy for the both of you.

But with that comes the importance of knowing when is the limit: you don’t want to drain yourself to the point where you’re empty and they’re overflowing. They should be reciprocating these actions.

This is where it’s important to know and recognize the dangers of looking for someone to fulfill a role versus someone to pursue a relationship with—and what are these dangers?

• Like I said: you give much but receive nothing to the point where you (or they) are left empty and they (or you) are left overflowing
• Someone develops feelings while the other is just looking for fun
• It lets others come and go in your life easily—soon you’ll be feeling alone and you won’t be sure why
• Because of the aforementioned point, other romantic interests can come into your life and cause a lot of damage to your heart by toying with your emotions.

By simply looking for an entertainer, then you will 100% receive an entertainer—and it will eventually only be fun for them, not you.

All this is to say: there’s so many more blessings that come with looking for a husband or wife versus just a boyfriend.

Now, does that mean that on the first date you should discuss marriage with them? No—and please don’t, because that will for sure scare them away. But it does mean that you should have high standards, be the person you would want to date and marry (meaning: not a slobby, annoying partner), and be clear on what you are looking for.

Clar·​i·​ty—the quality of being clear: such as the quality of being easily understood

In any and every relationship, you should use clarity as your crutch. It changes everything, trust me. (Meaning: I’ve tried not using clarity and guess who ended up regretting it? This girl.)

In all seriousness, clarity in your relationships is so important for both you and the other person—who wants what? What is this relationship about? Why are we both here? What is our goal?

And not only that, but it is also so crucial for you to know what you are looking for. Now, this does not mean you have to have a list of qualities Mr. or Mrs. Future Spouse should have, but rather, you should be aware of what you are looking for before you actively look for that. If you are in the midst of figuring out what you want, but you’re also multitasking and looking for it, then your brain is going to be jumbled as heck.

(Fun fact: our brains literally and physically cannot multitask—so I think that says something.)

Be clear with yourself: are you looking for a boyfriend or a husband? (Or: a girlfriend or a wife?) Be clear with that person—do they have a ‘role’ they’re supposed to fill, or is it an equal relationship and partnership? And be clear with your other relationships: is everyone filled up or is one person empty while the other is overflowing?

Thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoyed today’s post!
~Willow

Note: from now until probably May-ish, I won’t be posting three times every week, but rather just once or twice. Sunday Encouragement Posts will be consistent, but with school, work, devotional writing, Young Writer’s Honors Academy wrapping up for the year, summer plans, and various trips and/or people visiting, there hasn’t been much blogging time I can set aside unfortunately. Maybe you guys will like this better?! If so, please let me know!

If y’all hate it, then we’ll try to get back to our normal schedule within a month or two. If I’m being completely honest, there’s just been a bit of a drag with my emotional and mental health and confidence, and that slips into my writing life, so we’re working that out so that I can continue to churn out worthwhile posts for y’all! Love you guys, y’all are the best. 😉