There was a study that revealed 3/4 of the pain that people feel can be elevated by having someone listen to them. What does that mean for us as Christians?

One of my favorite quotes is by Clement of Rome and it says this:

“He impoverishes himself out of love, so that he is certain he may never overlook a brother in need, especially if he knows he can bear poverty better than his brother. He likewise considers the pain of another as his own pain. And if he suffers any hardship because of having given out of his own poverty, he does not complain.”

This quote talks about the importance of being the brother, sister, and friend who bears one’s burdens. When we look at the statistic above about elevating pain from someone and we connect it to the quote, we see one specific thing:

Listening and simple presence is far from a ‘weak’ or ‘helpless’ gift.

There’s a lot of emotions that come with being the ‘listening’ friend. Personally, I enjoy listening to people and being the one who lets them talk and get out their emotions, but there’s some things I’ve learned (when being the one who needs someone to talk) that there’s still things I should work on.

When I recently went through an anxious season, I was talking to a friend. After I finished speaking, they told me, “I completely understand.” They shared their own struggles with the same topic I was discussing, and we had a great talk.

However, at the time, it wasn’t what I needed. I wanted someone to just hear me and listen, I didn’t need them to comfort or affirm me.

You don’t need to understand but rather to just be there.

If this friend had said, “I understand that,” and let me talk more, that would have made me feel more appreciated. But a “I completely understand,” and then their experience made it feel like their struggles were more important and I was left feeling only half-unpacked instead of fully letting it all out.

The myth of being empathetic is that we have to BE empathetic—we have to share, we have to talk, we have to be the one to make everything better. But that’s a myth.

The truth of being empathetic means that you are there for the 2am phone calls, the urgent, “Hey, can you talk?”, the “Will you sit with me?” and the plead for someone to listen.

There is a time and a place for sharing your own experiences and advice, but being truly empathetic means that you are there for what they need, not for what you think they need or what you think will be helpful.

I always use Job’s story as an example for this. In chapter two we see that Job has been afflicted with sores from head to toe. His wife says, “Curse God and die!” (Job 2:9) but Job doesn’t listen to her—he basically tells her, “How can we accept only the good from God? Shouldn’t we accept the bad from Him as well?”

But then it’s verses eleven through thirteen that I always think about:

‘When Job’s three friends, Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite and Zophar the Naamathite, heard about all the troubles that had come upon him, they set out from their homes and met together by agreement to go and sympathize with him and comfort him. When they saw him from a distance, they could hardly recognize him; they began to weep aloud, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads. Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was.’
Job 2:11-13 NIV

His friends are at a loss for words—they weep and sit with him, and don’t say a word ‘because they saw how great his suffering was.’

We read later on that when they start sharing their personal opinions (which are to curse God and leave Him), then the real trouble happens. And through it all, Job stands strong in his faith and is rewarded. (But that’s a post for another day.)

There’s nothing wrong with sharing your advice—at certain times, it’s exactly what is needed in a certain circumstance. But it really just depends on what that specific person needs at that specific time.

Although some of us (or maybe all of us) are learning how to be empathetic in the best way, there’s an easy way to figure out the secret:

Ask.

Whenever my friends are talking to me about struggles in their life, I try to ask, “Do you want to call or want space?” or “What do you need right now?”

More often than not, they tell me what they need and it’s not what I would have given them if I hadn’t asked. I’m the person who wants to be the cheerer-upper, but sometimes I need to be the hugger.

This week, I encourage you to ask your friends, “What do you need from me?” when they are sharing their emotions. You might be the first person to ask that and give them what they really need.

Thanks for reading, have a great day!
~Willow