Okay, you’ve probably heard the phrase ‘red flags’ before, right? Like, “Oh yeah, she follows a ton of guys on Instagram. That’s a red flag.” Or “He’s talking to five girls at once—red flag.”

Now, there’s some obvious things that qualify as a red flag.

• That person is possessive of you and won’t let you hang out with other people
• They watch and are in charge of your every move
• They don’t put in effort into y’all’s relationship
• They don’t support your dreams, goals, or hard work
• They are belittling and aren’t encouraging
• Either you feel like you’re always being blamed or they are blaming you
• There’s no communication
• When it comes to apologizing…they don’t do it

So these are just some toxic qualities or ‘red flags’ that often appear in relationships. Now, these are red flags that apply to pretty much any relationship. And while they are really good things to be aware of, we also tend to take personal preferences (i.e. long hair on guys) and say, “Yeah no, that’s a red flag.”

You might be thinking, “Well for some people that is a red flag, everyone has preferences.”

Exactly—it’s a preference, not a red flag. Red flags are pretty much equal and standard in every relationship.

“But what if they had some trauma that made them start those habits, such as blaming you for everything?”

Then they need therapy. Yes, they need therapy. There are people who have jobs as therapists or counselors for a reason, and trauma is one of those reasons.

I’ll be quite frank—that’s not a problem that you can just fix; it takes hard work! We can’t go into relationships with the mindset of, “It’s just one red flag, I can fix him.” And we can’t go into relationships with the mindset of, “I don’t like his clothing style, it’s a red flag,” either.

So a red flag is a toxic quality, we’ve cleared that up. Red flags should not change depending on the person or their situation—some things are just always bad qualities. For example: being shy is not a red flag, that’s just a personal quality. But being closed off and putting no effort into a relationship unhealthily is a red flag.

Now there’s several reasons to not be in a relationship with those red-flag-bearers:

• The first is the influence they will have on you. Proverbs 27:17 says “As iron sharpens iron, so on person sharpens another.” (Proverbs 27:17 NIV). This also goes for people who aren’t iron—they dull one another and bring each other down.
• The second is the effect it will have on your mental health. You will soon find yourself thinking this is fine and normal when it’s really not. It will affect your future relationships in a very negative way. Again, this will bring you down!
• And the third is more for them but you still have a role to play; they need to learn. Let me say that again: they need to learn. You don’t have to be harsh or cruel, you can bring this about in a kind but firm way. Break up and tell them, “I am done with _____.” And I mean this in the most serious way possible: these are the consequences for their actions, so they need to accept the fact that no person worth dating will want to be in a relationship with them. Again: they. need. to. learn.

So we know that red flags are bad. But what if…you have red flags?

Well first, not all not-so-good qualities are red flags. Some are just bad qualities that many people struggle with. But any of the qualities I mentioned above—those are red flags.

But if you have red flags (even if they are unintentional), then hopefully someone you know tells you.

In the Bible (Matthew 18:15-16, Galatians 6:1) we see that we are called to confront one another about sins (against others and against the Lord) and grievances. Jesus says in Matthew 18, “If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you...’ (Matthew 18:15 NIV)

Jesus is not saying, “Go shame your brother or sister in Christ and tell them, “YOU’RE A HORRIBLE CHRISTIAN.’” No of course not, He is saying, “Go tell them what behaviors you’ve noticed about them and tell them, “I’ve noticed you’ve been ________. This is not what we are called to do. How can we combat this?’”

It’s not about combating them, it’s about combating their sin.

So when I say that hopefully someone tells you if you have ‘red flags’ (and that you do the same to your family in Christ), I mean that they should do so in a gracious way that shows that they care about you and this is an act of love.

[Note: in the next verse (v. 16), it talks about what happens if that brother or sister does not heed the advice, but I am not really talking about that today. But I do know that comes next and I’m not taking the verse out of context in a loose manner like that.]

Now let’s be honest: if someone says “Hey, this quality about you is a red flag,” it’s going to hurt, right? You’re might feel offended and embarrassed, and that’s okay. But again: it’s not about combating you, it’s about combating the sin.

But what you should do is listen to what they have to say, and then acknowledge what they tell you, and although you don’t have to immediately ‘fix’ your behavior, you should be aware of how you got about life. Do you really do that thing, have that characteristic?

And then take to the book!

Read what Scripture has to say on that topic—I’ll bet you there’s something in there! And with dedication and prayer, those toxic habits will soon leave your life.

In conclusion, red flags are not just preferences, they are most frequently bad habits and concerning pieces of one’s way of living. That’s not to say that they can’t be remedied or resolved, but they are not just ‘it happened one time’ habits.

Thanks for reading and I’d like to hear your thoughts in the comments!
~Willow