A few weeks ago, my mom and I were having a lovely gal talk. We were discussing my nonexistent dating relationship and she was saying that I’m not the type of girl who settles for a guy just because I want a relationship.

I started thinking about that idea: never settling for someone or lowering your standards for someone.

Now, many moons ago, when I was in middle school, I liked guys who I wouldn’t actually want to date. I like them as more than a friend, but I don’t want it to go anywhere, you know? (Also what’s the point of dating when you can’t drive yourself…) So I’m not going to pursue a relationship with them or give them hints because I don’t want a relationship to form.

However, this isn’t to say that they’re not good enough for me or that they’re not worth my time or there’s something wrong with them. That’s not at all what I’m saying! Rather I’m saying that I have pretty high standards for a handful of reasons, which I will explain in a moment.

But as for settling for someone—it’s going to be painful in the end. Either you are going to end up realizing, ‘This was a mistake,’ ending the relationship and making them feel betrayed or ending up stuck in a relationship that is miserable.

Don’t settle. Keep your standards high and when the right person comes along, then the right person comes along.

Now, like I said, I would consider my standards to be pretty high. That’s not to say that I immediately eliminate any guy who doesn’t bring flowers on the first date—heck no! That’s not standards, that’s pickiness. Although flowers on a date are nice, that’s not going to make me fall for you or decide, “This guy is perfect.”

Relationship standards are essentially basic expectations for the kind of person you want to spend your life with. So to say that one is ‘picky’ is not actually true—they just know who they are attracted to and are purposeful with the kind of people they pursue. So what are my basic expectations? Here are just a few that are big priorities in my life.

1. My number one is a good, godly guy. A guy who strives after God’s own heart, because if that is his priority, then someday that means I will be a priority because he will be following God’s plan.
2. One huge thing for me—it’s honestly right under a godly guy—is that whoever I date has to be good with my brother, Huck. Now, Huck is a special kid (I talk more in detail about him here) and not everybody is willing to play or interact or talk with him. (Sometimes even I’m not.) But I at least need my boyfriend to understand a) where Huck’s mind is and that he’s not your average kid, b) that Huck is one of the most important people in my life, and c) that if you don’t like Huck, then I don’t like you. I’m sorry, but if you love me, then you should be willing to get out of your comfort and get to know my kid brother.
3. He needs to respect my boundaries and to have his own boundaries. Boundaries are so important in a relationship, y’all. Any relationship, friendship, siblings, dating, stranger, coworker, mentor, whatever—boundaries are something that everyone benefits from. We all need some level of a ‘we don’t cross this line because of this reason’ because without it, the relationship doesn’t have trust. It’s willy-nilly and there’s too much freedom.
4. A desire to provide. Provision is a beautiful thing in relationships: it can appear as an act of love and an act of security. A man can provide a job and also provide a safe home, while a woman can provide a meal on the table and affection, trust, and support. (Of course, both genders can offer provision in these ways.) And provision is something anyone can do at anytime in anyplace for anyone. You can always provide a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, a kind word, financial support, a place to stay, a meal every week, literally anything. And I really admire it when someone has a desire to provide because God calls us to love and serve each other.

So these are just a few examples of the standards I have. You might think, “These apply to a lot of guys, so does that mean you like every guy who does these things?” Well, first off—I’ve known guys who don’t have all or even any of these qualities.

Second off: not every guy who has these qualities is someone I’m going to be attracted to. For example: one guy might consider his ‘type’ to be musically talented girls who are blonde, right? That doesn’t mean that he is automatically thinking that every blonde girl who plays an instrument or sings is his soulmate. But he’s just found that that’s what he’s attracted to.

Same goes for the list of qualities I find attractive in guys: it doesn’t mean I’m automatically attracted to every guy who has one or all of those qualities. Yes, I may think, “Hey, I really admire these qualities that what’s-his-face has,” but I do not think, “This guy is sooooo attractive to me, I want to pursue a relationship with him because he has these qualities.”

There’s a difference between admiration and attraction.

Settling, in a way, can be a form of laziness. It shows that you might not care enough about the person or yourself and don’t respect either of you as much as you should. And obviously, laziness—or even just fear of addressing an issue of some sort—can develop into bad habits.

I like to look at 1 Corinthians 13 for this: the beginning of the verse says, ‘[Love] does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking…’ (1 Corinthians 13:5 NIV)

By settling, you are dishonoring others by a) not recognizing them or their worth in the way that you should and b) not giving them the chance to step away from you and, quite frankly, take a look at the other fish in the sea.

In summary: don’t settle. Keep your standards high. And be respectful of others and yourself. It will be better for both you and them in the end.

So that’s what I have to say! Any thoughts? I’d love to hear them in the comments! Thanks for reading!
~Willow