[Just a poem from when I was in a funky mood a couple weeks ago and slightly inspired by C.S. Lewis’s book, A Grief Observed.]

When I’m numb
I wish I could feel everything.
Refresh me, remind me.
I don’t know: what does it mean to feel?

When I’m hurricaned
By all the emotions,
Sadness, anger, excitement, fear
I wonder: what does it mean to be numb?

When I’m excited
I forget the feeling of pain,
The sharpness in my chest.
I think: what does it mean to be hurt?

But then when I’m grieving
I only know the single emotion.
Peace is nonexistent and grief drowns it out.
I’m confused: what does it mean to know joy?

And then I’m done.
Tired. Emotionally, mentally, spiritually, physically.
I cannot be happy when there is pain.
I cannot be excited when there is regret.
I cannot wish for good emotions that I do not deserve.
I cannot know joy because fear says it has that spot reserved.

With things to look forward to and things to miss,
I wonder how people do all this.
The emotional highs and the spiritual lows,
I’m almost sure this isn’t how life is supposed to go.

I don’t want to live in the emotional turmoil,
When my heart feels like a hurricane.
Spinning around, shouting at myself
Hoping for a relief from the growing pains.